Control
by Kelady
Summary: It's a weird feeling. The feeling like you're going crazy. But the feeling of losing control is maybe even worse... You try hard to grasp that control. But it seems just out of reach. *Few things this is Stiles post Nogitsune its recovery and preseason 4. also trigger warning for eating disorders. mentions of rape. Magic Stiles later can be Sterek if wanted in Stiles and Derek POV.
1. Chapter 1

It's a weird feeling. The feeling like you're going crazy. But the feeling of losing control is maybe even worse.. You try hard to grasp that control. But it seems just out of reach.

It all started back in 2011. The day the nogitsune that was possessing me was expelled. At first it was me realizing I killed Alison. And Aiden.

People tell me it wasn't my fault, I couldn't help it, but I could have if I was stronger. So instead of spiraling into a world of depression and avoidance (avoidance is definitely happening right now though) I decide I'm going to get something I didn't have when I was possessed.

Control.

~control~

People always take control for granted. You don't realize you have until it's gone.

When I was possessed the nogitsune kept telling me these thing about me. It's strange. Not knowing something about yourself that a strange evil creature possessing you can tell. Well apparently I have a spark. A spark is basically, well a spark of magic that if you learn to control you can be quite powerful.

Control.

There's that word again.

So I want to learn to control it.. So I go to the nearest emissary. Deaton.

So Deaton is a very cryptic person. I don't want everyone to know about this so I ask him to keep it on the DL. I walk into his animal clinic when I know Scott's not gonna be there.

"_Deaton? You back there?_" I call out as I walk through the door.

"Why hello Stiles, Scott's not supposed to be here for 30 minutes."

_"I know... I came to talk to you."_

"What can I help you with?"

_"Well uh so can you do me a favor and keep this... You know... Between us?"_

"Of course"

_"Well the thing is... You know how I was possessed... Okay stupid way to start... When I was possessed the nogitsune told me stuff. Stuff I didn't know about myself. And you being an emissary thought maybe you could help me in this certain situation... It told me I had a spark and... Well I wanna well learn to control it."_

At this point Deaton was nodding and thinking and was lost in his own thoughts.

_"Well?!"_

_"_Oh yes, well I've had a feeling for quite sometime that you weren't well... 'Strictly human'. Basically Stiles you're well part witch. I don't know what you're specialties are bit there is a range of things. I will help you to the best of my abilities and keep it between us as you wish. But my knowledge on witchcraft is limited. I do know a witch in New Orleans who is legit and would be willing to help"

_"That would be great just uh text me the info and I'll talk to my dad... Scott should be here soon just... Don't tell him... And... thanks I appreciate it" _

"Anytime Stiles"

As I walked out to my jeep I saw Scott turning around the corner. And well I was avoiding so what's one more time. So I quickly pulled out and away before he could stop to ask me any questions.

~Control~

I had many missed calls and text when I checked my phone later. I didn't answer so I just decides to lay down for a mid afternoon nap.

And well not even 5 minutes of me falling asleep my window opens and who other than Derek climbs in.

_" Derek"_

"Stiles"

There is a long awkward pause and I'm tired so I decide to just tell him straight out.

"_I'm tired and if you're going to say something say it or leave so I can sleep"_

I didn't hear him for a while so I decide to go back to sleep. But as I roll I see him sitting at my desk trying to get into my laptop.

_"What the HELL are you doing". _

"Trying to figure out your password."

He gave me this 'duh' look.

_"I can see that but why?"_

" 'cause I need to look up something"

_"Why don't you use yours?"_

He's quite for a second before I sigh, get up and type in my password.

_"Now what?"_

" You can go back to bed now."

_"No chance in hell"_

Basically lately I'm just research guy. I've been feeling like I'm useless to the pack. They never need me. I just cause trouble like the nogitsune. I killed Alison. And Aiden and I don't think I will ever forgive myself.

_They should have just killed me when they had the chance. _

Derek looks at me full of concern, which is weird for someone who's not really pack.

"Do you really think that?"

Shit... Did I say that out loud.

_"Think what?"_

"Don't play dumb, I can tell when you're lying"

Ever since the nogitsune I can lie to them. I just choose not to tell them. So I decide to ignore him the best I can... Nobody really knows what it was like. I told everyone I don't remember what I did. Made it easier on everyone... Well everyone but me... But that's okay. But I DO remember. The way the blade was pushed deeper into Scott turning it to make him feel pain. Knowing it was caused by me. The feeling of the hospital incident hurting all those innocent people. Even... No I'm not thinking about that. I told myself I wouldn't think about it. Because if I do I can't control my reaction. So I push that thought out of my mind and go back to the present. I really gotta stop zoning out. People will start to notice.

I look at Derek and I realize that he's still looking at me. So I decide to just lighten the mood. I mean before all this I was the sarcastic funny person. Now I'm just a shell. So I try to play it off cool hoping my new lying ability will help.

_"No! Of course not! I just... I don't know. I feel ugh! Why do you even care?! You've never given a shit about me before why now?!"_

He just growls and jumps out the window.

I just sigh and go back to bed.

~Control~

DEREK POV

I decide to go see Stiles. He seems kind of out of it lately. So maybe I'll talk to him. I jump up through the window, and I realize he's in bed. He looks over when I come in.

"_Derek"_

"Stiles"

I look at him. Like really look at him. Tired is the first word that come to mind. Then defeated. He looks like he's lost a battle... And in a way I guess he has. I mean everything with-

He cuts of my thoughts when he starts to speak.

_"I'm tired so if you're gonna say something say it or leave so I can sleep" _

I gotta stop getting distracted by him it's just horrible, the way I... No I can't think of that I don't need to make this more akward. So I decide to go on his computer he looks like he's going back to sleep so I just sit down trying to figure out his password. I try werewolf, Stiles, 1234. I don't know it and I hear Stiles roll over and say

_"What the HELL are you doing?"_

"Trying to figure out your password."

I give this look.

_" I can see that but why?"_

"Cause I need to look something up."

_"Why don't you use yours?"_

I decide not to answer to tell him why I'm really here so I just look at him. He sighs gets up and types in 'something but I can't make it out.

_"Now what?"_

" you can go back to bed now."

_"No chance in hell" _

Open to browser not really sure what I am looking for. There hasn't been a threat, thank god, since the nogitsune. "_they should've killed me when they had the chance."_

I couldn't believe he said that. Before anything I ask without really realizing it

"Do you really think that?"

He gets this look if like pure panic. And then I realize he didn't mean to say that.

_"Think what?"_

"Don't play dumb I can tell when you're lying."

He just standing there really deep in thought. All I can think is. Does he still wanna die.

He looks back at me.

_"No! Of course not! I just... I don't know. I feel like. Ugh! Why do you even care?! You've never given a shit about me before why now!"_

I just growl and leave.

My thought all the way home was my concern for Stiles and me having to do something about it.


	2. Chapter 2

STILES POV

The pack decides to do a rare pack night. Of course I get invited along with Scott, Kira, Lydia, Isaac, Derek, now Malia. All at Derek's loft. I however choose not to go. I'm not pack. Malia is more pack than me so I stay home and do research. It's what I'm good for.

So I look up more about this Wicca in New Orleans so I can talk to dad about going. I see she has a shop and really does know a lot. From what I can tell her name Is Ursa that's all it says. I don't know if it's her real name or not.

My dad is home now so hopefully he won't be drunk like he's been since we told him about the supernatural world, so I can talk to him.

_"Dad?"_

"Yea son"

_"I'm gonna come right out and say this okay... I wanna go to New Orleans for some of break... By myself"_

"Why?"

_"Long story I'll tell you some other time... Please dad it's really important."_

"Yea yeah okay just when you get back you owe me an explanation. I'm going out I'll be back when I'm back."

_"Okay thanks dad I'll work out the tickets and stuff... Make good choices"_

But the last part was not heard as he was already out of the house. Sighing to myself I grab my credit card and go buy the tickets.

He's been like this for a while just saying yes tell me later. A lot of kids might think its awesome. But they're not the ones driving to a bar to bring their drunk dad home. I'll go buy the tickets waiting for a call.

As I click buy my phone rings. Its to early to be dad so I answer it but I have to be quick because I leave tomorrow. And I need to pack. And get my dad.

_"Hello?" _It come out muffled because I'm starting to pack.

"Stiles, We're all here man. Where are you?!" Scott of course it's Scott. I decide to tell the truth... For once.

_"Packing."_

I can hear everyone in the background talking but they all stop when I say that. There is a brief pause before anyone answers.

"Why?"

Maybe they do care I quickly push that thought out if my mind.

_"Because I'm going to visit a ... friend in New Orleans for a few days."_

"Oh... Okay"

There is along pause before someone steals the phone away.

It's Derek as soon as he starts talking I hang up.

Of course they call back but I ignore it and send a text letting them know I'm okay just tired.

~control~

It's about 2 in the morning when I get the call.

He went to The Tippy Canoe. Again. So I answer sleep evident I'm my voice.

_"Hello?"_

"Hi this is Nick from the Tippy Canoe. I have someone here saying that you're his son and will come get him."

_"*sigh* yea yea that's me. I'm on my way."_

"Okay see you soon"

I get up get dressed and grab my keys and head toward my jeep.

~control~

DEREK POV

After Stiles hung up the phone after I started to talk I handed the phone back to Scott and he tried to call back but got voicemail and a text saying 'I'm fine just tired.'

I sighed and stalked off.

A few minutes later Scott comes in and tells me they're going to see if he's alright.

"It's like 2 am don't you think he's asleep?"

"Dude it's Stiles"

"Okay"

~Control~

We get to Stiles house and his jeep is gone. We all look at each other all thinking the same thing. Where is he at 2:30 in the morning.

"The sheriffs car is gone too. Where do you think they are?" Scott asks

Not two minutes later Stiles jeep I coming down the road.

"Look here he is..."

Stiles pulls in and gets out ignoring everyone asking what he's been up to. Walks around to the passenger side and grabs a very drunk sheriff and helps him into the house, shuts and locks the door without a word.

Everyone just looks awkwardly uncomfortable so I decide to speak

"Come on let's get outta here."

And slowly but surely does everyone back out of the driveway but I'm left about to go through the window when I see Stiles sleeping in a room full of half packed clothes. I decide to leave him until tomorrow before his flight.

TEEN WOLF!

STILES POV

As I grab my dad and pull him to the car I am trying really hard to stay calm.

_"Again dad! Again!"_

But the sheriff was already passed out in the passenger side. Well maybe there won't be a fight and bruises to hide. Again. *sigh* hopefully this will be an easy-er night.

As I pull onto my street I see the whole pack standing looking at me.

Great! Not tonight. I'm not doing this tonight. Maybe tomorrow before I leave but not tonight. So I get out avoiding everyone's gazes walk get my dad go inside shut and lock my door. I bring my dad upstairs leave water and Advil next to his bed and go lay down. I try to sleep but I know I'm not gonna so I decide to shower.

After my shower I notice how thin I've gotten. I don't mean to be. I just haven't been hungry after the nogitsune. I've also been very cold. I wear many layers to keep warm but it doesn't help much.

Then there are the bruises. It's usually just on my stomach but sometimes I've had to wear long sleeves because of hand prints on my arms. I try not to dwell on it to much. I try to go bed.

I end up having nightmares again. My dad never helps because he's usually passed out. So I just try not to have more panic attacks. I want to call someone. Anyone. But that means giving up my secret so I sit here. My vision going spotty not being able to breathe. Next thing I know someone is soothing me. I can't see who it is but I can make out "-iles Stiles can you hear me?"

I made sort of a whimpering noise. I look up and see Derek. I still can't focus so he just rubs my back and says soothing nothingness.

A few minutes later I realize I fell off my bed. Am sweating profusely. And Derek is kinda holding me. So I push him off me get up and walk to the bathroom. I'm about to take off my shirt but then I realize I can't because of the bruises so I change my mind. I just sit down. Derek just says

"We're talking about this tomorrow.

_"Whatever."_

I dare to fall asleep hoping no nightmares will come.

DEREK POV

I can't sleep so I decide to go check on the pack. Scott is fine. So is Lydia, Kira, Malia, and Isaac. I go to Stiles next and I hear a almost whimpering sound. I go in and see he's having a nightmare. Why wouldn't he tell anyone this. Something's off I'm gonna need to have a chat with him later.

I'm suddenly pulled from my thoughts when I hear him fall off his bed. I can hear his heart beat rise and it's going alarmingly fast and I realize he is having a panic attack.

I go inside and try to get his attention.

"Stiles, Stiles, you're alright. Stiles can you hear me?"

He just makes another whimpering sound so I hold him and tell him things my mom used to tell me when I had panic attacks like

'Its alright' 'everything is gonna be okay' 'you're fine' 'don't worry' stuff like that. While rubbing his back in a comforting manor.

All of a sudden he is pushing me away. And goes into the bathroom he starts to take off his shirt but stops. But not before I can see how thin he's gotten. Is that a bruise? Not tonight I don't need him having another panic attack. He just sit down and I decide to leave him.

"We're talking about this tomorrow."

_"Whatever."_

I leave but not so far I can still hear him if he needs me.


	3. Chapter 3

STILES POV

My alarm clock goes off at 7 and I realize I'm leaving in 3 hours and I have to finish packing. So I get up start packing. About 2 hours later I finish and I decide to hop in the shower. Again.

After my shower I decide to grab something at the airport for food so I still have a half hour left. I put my stuff in the trunk and go check on my dad. He still is asleep. I don't know when his shift is and right now I don't really care. I leave a note on the side of his bed saying

'I left for my trip. I'll see you in a week. If you're gonna have a drink please do it at home since I'm not gonna be able to get you. Make good choices. '

Make good choices. It something I've always said. I don't think anyone pays attention. It's just something my mom used to say. I miss her. I miss her a lot. Her anniversary is coming up in 2 weeks. When I get back I plan to do my yearly tradition g- I'm pulled from my thoughts when Derek climbs through the window.

"Dude what's with werewolves and windows. Does it seem like a doggy door and that's why you use it."  
I was trying to be my old self but even I could tell that was a fail. "Stiles, are you all right?"  
"Yea yea if course I'm fine. No need to worry about me." I lie to him and I think he sorta believes me because of my ability to lie is just don't think he's convinced. "Look we need to talk-" I interrupt right there.  
"We don't need to do anything. I'm leaving in..." I check my watch. " 15 minutes so I gotta finish getting ready."

Even though I'm completely ready he doesn't need to know that.

"Stiles" it comes out as a kind of sigh. "No. Derek no. We're not doing this. I'm not gonna tell you about the nightmare panic attack. I'm not gonna tell you about my dad. I'm not gonna tell you about anything. And you are NOT gonna comfort me. WE are not doing whatever this is. Nope. Please leave. Now."  
"Stiles come on you need to tell someone. If not me than Scott or anyone."  
"I have to leave. I'll be back in a week."  
I walk out go to my jeep and drive off.

DEREK POV

I climb through Stiles' window so we can have a chat. "Dude what's with werewolves and windows. Does it seem like a doggy door and that's why you use it?"  
I can tell he was trying but even he knew that wasn't very good.

"Stiles are you alright?"  
Stupid question of course he's not.

"Yea yea of course in fine don't need to worry about me!"

It's weird he's not lying but it's not the truth either.  
"Look we need to talk-"  
"We don't need to do anything in leaving in... 15 minutes and I gotta finish getting ready."

"Stiles" "No. Derek no. We're not doing this. I'm not gonna tell you about the nightmare panic attack. I'm not gonna tell you about my dad. I'm not gonna tell you about anything. And you are NOT gonna comfort me. WE are not doing whatever this is. Nope. Please leave. Now."  
"Stiles come on you need to tell someone. If not me than Scott or anyone."  
"I have to leave. I'll be back in a week."

He walks out of the house leaving me nothing to do but leave.

TBC

**AN/ I'm not getting like any follows and I'm thinking of stopping the story... any reviews or helpful tips are welcome this is my first fanfic so anything is appreciated. thanks.**


End file.
